Alice The NonSue
by The Trees Are On Fire
Summary: Alice: She's not pretty, She's not skilled. But she is in the Caribbean. delayed by normal life
1. Chapter One

**A/N: Plot bunny. It chews on me. -pats it on the head- Okay, Alice: The Non-Sue.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own PoTC, or characters therein. Alice is not the same Alice. I just like that name. Don't own Monty Python.**

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Alice was strolling along the sidewalk of her neighborhood, on her way home from band practice. Alice played the flute. Alice had short brown hair and brown eyes. Yes, she has heard the 'Full of it' joke. She doesn't appreciate it. Alice is somewhat short. Alice is also slightly-err- plump. She eats well enough, but the chocolate calls to her. 

That's quite enough about Alice, as I'm sure you could skip that whole paragraph and not really care. Too bad you already read it, then.

Anyway. Alice lived in a nice home in suburbia, Minnesota. Alice wasn't a girl for sports. Alice loved music and art. Alice also loved movies, one in particular:

Monty Python and The Holy Grail.

But, erm, that's not coming up much in this story. Except for random moments when the author cannot be funny anymore.

Unbeknownst to her, Alice is about to become Alice: The Non-Sue.

Cue cheesy music.

Well, anyway. Alice is walking home. Alice stepped on something-or-other. Alice slipped. Alice fell. Alice fell a long way. Alice fell a long, long way.

Alice fell into water.

Alice made a big splash. She opened her eyes, which was probably a bad idea. Salt water burns in contact with people's eyes. Ouch.

No one seemed interested in saving her, so she swam awkwardly to the pier. A group of people was a dock over. Alice heard shouting and a man swung from something that was wooden and had rope hanging from it. Alice was not good with dock parts. Alice was good with movie scenes. "Ohmigawd-whatethefeck-Pirates?"

Alice was not a very articulate person. Alice really wished she was home with a book and some hot chocolate. That would not be the first time she wished for her old life.

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**A/N: Yes, pseudo-reference. Spot it. I give you… Uhm… I give you Agent Lupeias plushie. Look, it's evil _and _cute. Whee.**


	2. Chapter Two: Jail cells ARE moldy

**A/N: Yeah, yeah. Thanks to my two reviewers. …This update's really lame, but oh well. -hands them Agent Lupeias plushies- More ConCrit, please.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own, don't own. Own Alice. Yay.**

Alice was miserable. She was wet and cold and dirty. Ew. To top it all off, she _knew_ she was in Pirates of the Caribbean. But there were no drool-worthy men in sight. (Although that one Navy officer on that side street wasn't too bad.) No Jack. No Norrington. No Will. Not even Groves or Gillette.

She'd read about this sort of thing- Mary-Sues get dropped into Middle-Earth/Potter verse/PoTC and all the men immediately fall in Lurve. She'd always thought of those as completely inane and just plain bad writing. But at least they were warm and dry. She was going to come own with pneumonia and die, or something. Stupid 1700's people with bad medicine.

So, before she caught a deadly disease and died a horrible death, she should get new clothes. People were looking at her like she was either a dangerous criminal or a loony. Neither was a good prospect for a woman in Victorian era… This was the West Indies, right? British-owned. Her vocabulary needed a change, too, then. Crap. It looked like that merchant was talking to a officer about her, too.

Run? Talk? Run? Talk? …Run like hell. The officer had loads of advantages: He was fit, athletic, in dry clothing, and knew his way around. Alice could only hope she'd find somewhere to hide.

No such luck.

SLAM! The sound of a closing cell door rang through the prison. Alice blinked. That wasn't supposed to happen. She was at least supposed to be in Jack's cell. But no, she was stuck in the smaller, damp one with the group of pirates between her and his cell. Fun.

She glared balefully at Jack when he _did _enter the jail, because even though he got out she was gonna stay in here and rot. Or be hung. Or both. Joy. Jack just grinned charmingly before he was dragged into his cell.

She ignored the 'Here, Doggie' conversation. She waited for the cannons in sulky, pouty silence. She was STILL wet, and cold, and going to die. The Caribbean was anything but a paradise.

"Didn't even do anything." She muttered. "If you look at them cross-eyed the slam you in a cell. Bloody English pig-dogs."

BOOM.

Hole in wall.

Hole that she couldn't even dream of using to get out of here because it was three feet to the bloody right.

She hated this place.

"So, what are you in here for?" Jack asked dejectedly. He hadn't spotted the bone yet.

"Jaywalking." Alice said sarcastically.

Jack didn't answer. "Heeere doggie, nice doggie, d'you want the nice, juicy bone? That's it you mangy, scabrous cur…"

The dog heard a noise and ran.

"I didn't mean it!"

Two nasty-looking pirates thundered down the stairs after killing the guard. "This ain't the armory!"

"No shit, Sherlock." Alice muttered, and scotched into the shadows as Jack conversed with the pirates.

Alice waited. Maybe Will would get her out, too. ...Yeah, right. That'll happen.

Alice resigned herself to a cruel and unusual death.

BOOM!

…Was that hole in HER jail cell?

Oh, it was. Happy day. She saluted to Jack. "Have a nice death!"

**A/N: Yes, yet another reference. Agent Sanguine doll to people who understand it, Agent Lupeias ones to plain ol' reviewers. Mr. Hungry Pirate dolls to people leaving Constructive Criticism. Yay.**


	3. Chapter Three: For the love of a toothbr...

**A/N: Yes, I have short chapters. –Distributes plushies- Watch out, the Lupeias ones bite. Hard.**

**Disclaimer: I no own Jack, Will (Thank God), Norrington (Dammit!), ect. I do own Alice. I also have the habit of naming all my OC females Alice. O-o What, will all the dudes be named Mark? …They will be now. Heh.**

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Alice hummed to herself as she dodged pirates and screaming colonists. Life was looking up. She was no longer trapped in a jail cell.

The fact that she was humming 'TROGDOR' didn't really occur to her, but the author likes to appreciate irony. Wheee, irony. Irony was the only tool of writing the Author could name. Besides onamonapiea. Which she can't really spell. Oh well.

Anyway, Will was in a fight with that creepy little bomb-dude, and Alice noted that Creepy Little Bomb-Dude (CLBD, let's call him. Or Clyde. Yep. Clyde.) Will got bonked on the head and passed out- wimp- and Alice moved on. Chickens and screaming people everywhere. Sheesh. Alice was going to go stark raving mad if this went on much longer. She decided to spin around in circles. Oh, now she was dizzy. Wow. Pretty colors…

Alice passed out. Man, she's even wimpier than Will.

Hours passed, the chaos died, Will woke up.

Alice jumped awake when a chicken pecked her forehead. Stupid chicken! …Whoa, where was she? Oh, yeah. Pirates. Caribbean. Nasty smell. She got up in time to see Will run off to save Jack. Oh, joy.

What Alice wouldn't give for a nice, warm, bath…and a toothbrush.

Maybe some mints? Her mouth tasted like something died in it. She wandered down to the docks to wait for Jack and Will. She'd just have to hitch a ride with them, then.

She started singing 'Sensitive to Bees'.

Alice waited at the dock for awhile until a softly chattering Jack led Will up.

Jack did a double take. "You're that bint from the jail cell!"

"Oh, someone's smart." Alice said sarcastically.

"What are you doin' over here?" He asked.

"Waiting for you." She said brightly.

"...Why d'you want to be doing that?" He was quite confused.

"You're not a very good pirate, are you?" She asked simply.

"O'course I am! I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!"

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**A/N: You know the drill.**


	4. Chapter Four: FIGHT! FIGHT!

A/N: I'm using NotePad now. Please forgive the mistakes.

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Alice followed Jack and Will to the beach. She waited patiently as Jack and Will had their quiet little conversation.  
She just rolled her eyes. She had never been a fan of Will, or of Elizabeth. But she would fit in a little better away from Port Royale. Even though Port Royale had Norrington...

Jack waved a hand in her face. "'Scuse me, but it's time to run." He said helpfully, before heading off for a canoe.

"Bloody pirates!" Alice said, line-stealing.

The three of them stole a canoe and headed underwater. There was a slight problem- Alice was much shorter than both Will and Jack. So Alice was sort of floating and hanging onto the boat, trying not to sink like a rock and drown. Jack and Will, of couse,  
found this highly amusing. They kept moving the boat so that she got water up her nose. Which hurt. A lot.

When all three sucessfully climbed up the Dauntless- Alice having some trouble, and Will finally getting the lobster trap off his foot-  
Will made an utter fool of himself. Good pirates do not yell 'Aye! Avast!' randomly. Alice, had she been an anime character, would have sweatdropped. She settled for smacking her forehead and saying "Wiiiiill!".

When they had sent the lookouts on their merrt way, they made to look like they were readying the ship. When the Interceptor got close enough, they swung over. Alice actually did this someewhat gracefully, having taken gymnastics for a good many years. They cut the ropes to the Dauntless, and set off into the-er- well, not really a sunset. But it would have been more poetic that way.

Alice was craning for a view of Norrington and Groves. She swore when she didn't spot them. Jack and Will stoppped their argument to give her an odd look. She stuck her tongue out at him. He rolled his eyes, and went back to arguing with Will.

After a few days of sailing- the details were hazy, seeing as the actual movie hadn't confirmed how long it was to Tortuga- they reached the pirate sanctuary. It smelled horrible. Alice compared it to what the Bog of Eternal Stench must have smelled like.

Jack was telling Will how wonderful Tortuga was. Will looked seriously doubtful.

The boys- as Alice was now affectionatley calling them- were marching determendly to a small pig hovel with buckets of water. She watched happily as the woke up Mr. Gibbs. Jack had his debate, Will splashed him again, and they all headed for The Faithful Bride.

When Gibbs and Jack left Will to 'Keep a sharp eye', Alice followed them. They gave her bewildered looks as she spun a chair around and sat at the table. She listened politely as they argued over Jack's motive.

"What makes you think Barbossa with talk to you?" Gibbs asked Jack.

Jack nodded at Will.

"Eh?" Said Gibbs.

Jack indicated Will more forcefully.

"Wha?" Gibbs was not particularly good at body language.

"He means the idiot, idiot!" Alice hissed quietly.

"Oh. What about him?"

Alice left Jack to explain. She looked about the tavern in a mildly interested way. Oooh, fiiight. She resisted the childish desire to yell 'FIGHT! FIGHT!'. Some habits never die.

Meanwhile, Jack and Gibbs toasted to their agreement.

And Will shot them a suspicious look...

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A/N: You know the drill. 


End file.
